Being a mom is difficult, its like trying to fly with a broken wing. You struggle, you fall, you stand up just to try again and fall and fail, and succeed. Don’t get me wrong I love being a mom, I love my kids and I love my husband. But shit sometimes I wish I could just run away and live by myself in an abandoned cabin somewhere in the woods. Being a mommy with depression is the worst. My husband told me this weekend he thinks I am a little Autistic … wait … what??
How does a Autistic depressed mommy cope?
I cope by running, sometimes running away from my problems, as in literally, three times a week I go for a run, every time trying to push myself harder en farther. Till I break. Then I feel better take a shower and try to plaster that fake I am ok smile on my face, that I have practised my whole life. Somedays I am actually really ok. I feel like I can climb mountains.Other days, on my bad days, I would like to climb in a hole in the floor, and just shut everything out. But if you are a mommy that is impossible, you get up, get dressed. Give hugs and kisses, pack lunches and sports gear. You pretend to be the perfect mommy they need you to be, and silently you push that unworthy bitch so deep down, in the hope that she will keep her mouth shut for another day, another week……Because I struggle to see life through rose-colored glasses, and I swallow hard on bullshit. I keep to myself, I cry on my husband shoulder because he is my rock, my calm, my ocean. He hates bullshit too, and that makes him a rock. Being a mommy is hard, but being a freaking human is harder. I am super sensitive to EVERYTHING! I think that is why my husband thinks I am autistic.
I sit at sports practise making small talk with other trying to cope mommies. You get in your car, van, mom’s taxi and realise I am not doing that badly. I am normal, I am fine!
My life could have been as bad as so and so. But sometimes making small talk sucks. Because it’s small talk, you cant talk about real issues. Like who you really are what makes you crazy what makes you normal, what makes you, well you? Because most of the time we are so scared of being judged. We all have our insecurities. We all just want to fit in. Be loved, feel important, feel valued. Some of us are very good at managing to manipulate people into believing you think they are special, when we are all just in it for ourselves.
Till we chat again. Fly high dragonfly. Hope this is one of the good days.